For Sadam Hanjabam, the founding father of Ya_All — an Imphal-based non-profit organisation and the first-of-its-kind queer-youth-led and targeted registered community based mostly within the Northeast — the method of taking pictures for the Amazon Prime sequence ‘Rainbow Rishta’ was an actual wrestle.
Launched final week, Rainbow Rishta celebrates queer love in India by way of the lens of six real-life tales, that includes Sadam’s unimaginable journey and his seek for love. An introvert haunted by many previous traumas, Sadam understandably discovered it tough to speak about them and likewise navigate a brand new potential relationship on digital camera.
Talking to The Higher India, the 35-year-old queer rights activist says, “In the course of the shoot, I had many emotional breakdowns. When it’s about my work, I can converse endlessly. When it’s about my private life, nonetheless, it’s much more tough for me to speak. However the makers of Rainbow Rishta had been upfront with me about invading my house and asking uncomfortable questions.”
Within the documentary, he spoke about his historical past of substance abuse, the tragic circumstances of his ‘outing’ as a homosexual man, and his wide-ranging work with Ya_All, whereas additionally navigating a potential relationship on-line and in individual. And it’s a exceptional story.
Acceptance on the finish of a darkish tunnel
Sadam realised he was queer very early in his life. At six, he knew he was totally different from his friends due to his attraction to folks from the identical gender however didn’t have the vocabulary to outline what these emotions meant to him.
“Rising up in Imphal, a small city with no web and cellphones, and dwelling in a battle zone with common bouts of violence, there was no supply of details about what it meant to be queer. I had nobody to speak to about my queer id,” he says.
Furthermore, in states like Manipur, Sadam notes how numerous intergenerational trauma passes unaddressed following the myriad of conflicts which have taken place. As youngsters, he remembers how they weren’t allowed to step out after sundown. “You’re all the time listening to about firings, skirmishes, killings, and many others. There was all the time a worry of police and the totally different conflicts going down,” he says.
“Many younger folks from the Northeast migrate outdoors the area for larger research or employment due to the state of affairs again house. Layered with my queerness, considered one of my goals as a youngster was to get out of this area not as a result of I hated it however to discover myself additional and perceive what I used to be going by way of. I wished to see the world,” he provides.
After ending highschool in Manipur, Sadam studied at a varsity in Assam, following which he went for his grasp’s diploma in Kerala. This was adopted by an MPhil and PhD in Improvement Research from the Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS) in Mumbai. Regardless of all this progress, Sadam was nonetheless coping with a loss he hadn’t come to phrases with but.
“After my father’s passing in 2010, I turned extra anxious and insecure dwelling away from Manipur. It additionally began getting more durable for me to return out of the closet as a result of my mom was in mourning. Despite the fact that I actually wished to return out to my household at one level, I saved it quiet (bottled up) for a really very long time,” he remembers.
Mumbai was purported to be the reply however Sadam couldn’t relate with the quick tempo of life there, and he grew lonelier. Despair began to take maintain due to all of the issues he was hiding from his household. However going again house wasn’t an possibility as a result of it was not secure for queer folks. Additionally, going again would have meant giving up on his tutorial pursuits.
Ultimately, he met somebody on a courting app for queer folks. Given his fragile psychological state, a bit hope was sufficient to ignite that want and love for one more individual. As a substitute, this relationship turned his gateway to substance abuse. He started dabbling with crystal meth (methamphetamine) and mephedrone in 2015 whereas finding out in Mumbai.
“Medicine turned an outlet for me to not really feel lonely anymore, be myself no less than for a given second and escape my harsh realities and traumas. Loads of drug use within the homosexual group is triggered by loneliness and rejection,” he says.
Issues got here to a head in 2017 when he overdosed for the primary time whereas engaged on his PhD. On the time, Part 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) — which amongst different issues criminalised gay acts — was additionally in drive.
What adopted was a sequence of traumatic occasions. As a substitute of care, assist and remedy, the Mumbai hospital the place Sadam was admitted known as the police. The hospital mentioned that they wouldn’t deal with Sadam till an FIR was registered.
“Despite the fact that I used to be hospitalised, the form of stigma and discrimination I confronted from the hospital authorities and the police was traumatic. Hospitals are purported to be secure areas the place you search assist, care and assist while you’re not properly. At my most susceptible second, a policeman started interrogating me about the place I purchased the medicine, who I purchased it with, how a lot I paid for it, questions on my private life, and many others. I used to be shocked by their lack of empathy,” he says.
When the police questioned his friends, Sadam was outed as a homosexual man. Beneath the specter of police coercion, that they had given up his queer id with out his consent. By the point his brother reached Mumbai from Manipur following the overdose, he additionally acquired this info. His household couldn’t imagine that Sadam was homosexual since he didn’t match the favored tropes or stereotypes related to a gay id. They struggled to return to phrases with it.
Following his first overdose, Sadam was despatched again house to Manipur for psychiatric remedy. The hospital even gave him a prescription for heavy medicine for restoration. After 4 months, he was deemed to be higher and despatched again to Mumbai for his research. However inside a month of his return to Mumbai, he relapsed and overdosed once more.
He was admitted to the identical hospital, however this time they put him behind bars in an isolation ward and chained his palms to a hospital mattress.
“This was such a traumatic episode that I used to be actually useless inside. I used to be useless out of disgrace and the nasty remedy I endured by the hands of the authorities. As a substitute of making an setting the place they might see me as an individual in want of assist, the hospital denied it. I used to be then handed on from one hospital and physician to a different, and given extra medicine. However no one cared to hearken to the the reason why I suffered from dependancy and overdosed. No one was there to know my ache,” he remembers.
Following the overdose, Sadam dropped out of his PhD programme and got here again house.
“In my thoughts, one drug overdose episode was cheap, however I had slipped up once more. However at my lowest second, I believed to myself that if I survived this, I actually wished to be myself. I didn’t need to reside this lifetime of fakeness. I didn’t care if anyone thought I used to be mad. I believed to myself that if I lived once more for the third time, I might need to be myself with none worry. And this course of started with accepting myself with all of the vulnerabilities that I carried,” he says.
That acceptance allowed Sadam to begin his journey in direction of restoration. It additionally sowed the seeds of Ya_All, which amongst different issues, seeks to create secure areas for queer folks in Manipur.
“From that second on, I started advocating for queer folks, saying in the event you need assistance simply attain out to me. I began giving out my cellphone quantity to anybody who wanted to speak,” he remembers.
Restoration by making a assist system
Upon his return to Imphal in late 2017, Sadam began a WhatsApp group along with his pals and likewise friends from the native queer group. It was a secure discussion board the place they may assist one another. It then proceeded to small gatherings like film screenings at one another’s properties.
“I had no information of working an organisation. Additionally, we didn’t have numerous sources to do different issues and I used to be nonetheless in restoration. The intention wasn’t to begin an organisation however to create a assist system for queer folks in Manipur. Many individuals quickly began reaching out to me and searching for assist, however I wasn’t knowledgeable on the time. I lacked the talents required to be a counsellor or a psychological healthcare skilled, however I used to be supporting them by way of my very own story of wrestle and restoration. Lots of people related with my story, and consequently, a big community [of queer people] started to emerge,” he says.
As a substitute of organising occasions like a Delight Stroll, Sadam and his younger group started using sports activities as a medium to create secure areas for the queer group.
“In March 2018, we initiated Queer Video games, a sporting occasion for LGBTQI+ folks on the centre of Imphal. I used to be discovering methods to combine queer folks into mainstream society, isolation from which has denied our group the assist buildings we want. We’ve suffered numerous violence and harassment by the hands of police and the bigger society,” he informs.
“I began utilizing sports activities to combine them again into mainstream society. Sports activities is what brings us collectively and connects us emotionally as a folks. Individuals in Manipur have a particular reference to sports activities, significantly soccer. It doesn’t matter who’s taking part in the sport, folks will come and watch,” he provides.
In the course of the first version of the Queer Video games, many individuals simply watched in amusement as they performed. However when the general public really noticed them play soccer, they grew curious. It stunned many to see their ability and dedication on the sphere.
“That is exactly what occurred when folks noticed our transmen and transwomen groups play soccer. This was a thoughts changer for many individuals and broke stereotypical notions they’ve of queer folks. The Queer Video games received our group numerous consideration,” remembers Sadam.
This 12 months, Sadam’s non-profit Ya_All organised the sixth version of Queer Video games, which included a walkathon and a mixed-gender soccer match for the LGBTQI+ group.
In March 2020, Ya_All established Asia’s and India’s first transgender males’s soccer group, a landmark second for the state’s queer group. Given the excitement generated by a six-a-side match performed between groups comprising transmen and transwomen in 2018, Sadam determined to create a soccer group of transgenders — one thing that had by no means been executed earlier than in India.
Additionally, ever for the reason that Supreme Courtroom recognised transgender as a 3rd class of gender, Ya_All has been campaigning intensively to open a 3rd class of gender in soccer. However, he says, governments and state and nationwide soccer associations haven’t been very receptive to the concept.
Shelter from the storm
Though Ya_All — learn as Ya-wol in Manipuri which means ‘revolution’ — had began as a assist group for Manipur’s queer group in 2017, they registered themselves as a non-profit organisation solely in June 2019. A month earlier than they formally registered themselves as a non-profit organisation, they opened their Shelter Area for LGBTQI+ youth.
“One factor we all know as queer folks is that our properties should not all the time the most secure areas. Many queer folks get kicked out of their properties out of ignorance and worry of what the bigger society might imagine if their youngster doesn’t comply with typical guidelines of gender. Many queer folks endure homelessness. Along with all this, when there’s a disaster like COVID-19 or the present armed battle in Manipur, they don’t have a spot to remain,” explains Sadam.
The shelter house is a crowdfunded initiative, informs Sadam, the place queer folks, who’re rendered homeless, can keep for 10 days freed from cost. After 10 days, if folks can afford it, they’re requested to pay Rs 100 per day for meals, shelter, clothes and counselling.
“The very first thing that occurs when anybody enters this shelter is that they undergo counselling by queer-affirmative psychological well being professionals,” he provides. The shelter doesn’t at present present de-addiction and psychosocial assist. Queer individuals on the shelter who’re affected by dependancy are directed to dependable professionals who can present that type of care.
Additionally, Ya_All doesn’t settle for calls from mother and father who need to forcibly put their youngsters of their centres. It’s crucial that the younger and queer individual in query provides their consent.
“Our job is to offer psychological healthcare to any queer individuals. It’s not about selecting up folks from the streets and filling out our centre simply to get funding. Our work is to offer care and assist to queer individuals who want it. As queer folks with tough lived experiences, we perceive the way it feels. For us, empathy is extra necessary than funding,” he provides.
Final 12 months, Ya_All additionally opened India’s first de-addiction centre for transgender males, which is run in partnership with the Authorities of Manipur. Known as the Rainbow Belief Centre, it provides de-addiction and psychosocial assist for 2 months freed from cost.
“If a boy or woman identifies themselves as a transgender man or girl, they’re pressured to remain in rehabilitation centres catered to cisgender males or ladies. These aren’t secure areas. Many queer folks endure sexual assault and harassment at these centres. Mother and father forcefully admit them into these centres for restoration with out their consent. That’s the reason we’re working with the Manipur authorities’s social welfare division to create this house (de-addiction centre) for transgender males. It’s a brand new initiative however deeply private to me,” he explains.
Khudol initiatives and the facility of giving
‘Khudol’, which suggests items in Manipuri, is a people-led initiative carried out by Ya_All with the theme ‘pleasure of sharing’. The target of those initiatives is to organise crowdfunding campaigns to assist and assist one another in instances of want or throughout disaster.
The primary Khudol initiative got here collectively on the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic. You’ll be able to learn extra about their work right here.
In Might 2020, the United Nations Secretary-Basic’s Envoy on Youth listed Khudol as one of many high 10 international initiatives for an inclusive combat in opposition to the COVID-19 pandemic. Even through the present armed battle within the state or the pure catastrophe in Sikkim, Ya_All has organised related Khudol initiatives.
“The 12 months has been very tough. We had been underneath curfew for six months with our web recurrently disabled. There have been lots of people who misplaced their livelihoods, properties and companies. Our job isn’t to level fingers. Our job as younger queer folks, who’ve lengthy confronted discrimination from everybody, was to assist these in want navigate by way of this disaster. Since Might, now we have raised greater than Rs 20 lakh and used that cash to offer meals, garments, medication, footballs, mattresses, counselling, and many others to communities languishing in reduction camps,” he claims.
When the battle broke out and plenty of had been displaced to reduction camps, Sadam notes that their first job was to offer primary wants like meals, water, shelter, clothes, and many others.
“Because the battle broke out, now we have supported greater than 10,000 folks in reduction camps. The tragedy, nonetheless, is that we solely have entry to reduction camps within the Valley. Throughout our visits to those reduction camps, we noticed many youngsters and adolescents who had been seeing battle for the primary time and didn’t perceive what was happening. Along with previous trauma, their mother and father are additional traumatised by the truth that they’ve misplaced the whole lot from their properties to relations and livelihoods. It’s arduous for them to regulate their youngsters given their very own traumas,” he explains.
“With the assistance of our transgender group, we began going to those reduction camps with entry to a subject and provided soccer coaching to those youngsters. These coaching periods would final per week in a single reduction camp earlier than we’d go to one other and so forth. These transgender gamers would take youngsters out of the reduction camp, prepare them for a few hours, and play with them to allow them to really feel like youngsters once more. We used soccer to deliver some gentle again into their lives,” he provides.
Coming full circle
The lengths Sadam has gone to create secure areas for queer youth in Manipur is nothing in need of exceptional. Nevertheless, when the makers of the Amazon Prime sequence Rainbow Rishta make clear his private life, there have been moments the place he was clearly uncomfortable speaking about it. However what the method of taking pictures the documentary did was assist him come to phrases with it.
“What your entire taking pictures course of helped me realise is that I had drowned myself in work and consequently turned very lonely once more. Within the course of, I had forgotten to reside my private life. I needed to ask myself who I used to be with out my work. The sequence compelled me to have these conversations about myself and likewise with my mother and father who had been knowledgeable of the shoot,” he says.
“The writers and administrators had been serving to me speak about my previous and serving to my mother and father speak about their son, and in that course of, despite the fact that my popping out was a tragic episode, this felt like an actual popping out second. Individuals from throughout India are actually connecting with me on-line and sending me uplifting messages. I don’t really feel alone anymore,” he says.
(Edited by Pranita Bhat; Pictures courtesy Sadam Hanjabam/Ya_All)